शब्दानी कसे सांग तुला मी सजवू
शब्दात कसे या तुला मी वर्णू ....
शब्दाना काय ठाव भाव अंतरीचे
शब्दाना कसे सांग गुज मनीचे सांगू ......

शब्दानी ज्या हुरहुर कधी न भोगली..
शब्दाना त्या तुझी आठवण कशी समजवू ....
शब्दानी ज्या न कधी पाहिले तुला...
शब्दाना त्या सौंदर्य सांग कसे दाखवू ....

शब्दानी ज्या नुसत्या जोडल्या ओळी ...
शब्दाना त्या गीत प्रितीचे कसे ऐकवू ....
शब्दानी ज्या ठोकले दावे स्पष्टीकरणाचे..
शब्दाना त्या प्रेम सांग कसे समजवू .....

शब्द जे नेहमी फिरले एकट्याने ..
शब्दाना त्या मिलनाची गोडी कशी समजवू ..
शब्दानी ज्या फक्त मोजली अंतरे ..
शब्दाना त्या साथ तुझी सांग कशी दाखवू ...

शब्दांचेच हे प्रश्न सगळे ....
शब्दांचीच ही त्याला सगळी उत्तरे ...
शब्दाना या सांग वेड्या ...
शब्दाच्या पलीकडले सगळे कसे सांगू ...

शब्दानी कसे सांग तुला सजवू
शब्दात कसे या तुला मी वर्णू ....

.......निनाद (13/10/2008)

Welcome to the Jungle....

And quite unlike me, a tear rolled down my face not even knowing where and why it is was going this way. Its easy to stop the first drop of tear but once it rolls down the eyes within a flash lot of others go with him like true friends. Today it again happened to me. As usual the teardrop brought a bunch of questions and mostly the helplessness out of me.

A wise man once said (or a wise writer wrote it for movie) "Life is not about how many breaths you take, its about how many moments you lived that took your breath away". I remember writing some time back that such moments are becoming far and few in between. Its indeed true. When i was a kid my mom always told me "don't worry, i am there for you" and i could sleep in peace. Today my mom thinks am grown up and matured so she doesn't explicitly say this and hence i don't explicitly sleep in peace either.

Today i miss that kid. I miss the kid who used to hold his mom's hand and walk around the place with absolutely no fear. I miss the kid who used to run up to dad and hug him for no reason and the dad who used to hug him so tight that he could never feel any insecurity. I miss my younger siblings who used to bug my head for no reason and could still give me sense of honor and respect that very few other people can ever give me.

I miss that one friend who used to sit besides me quietly, just put his hands on my shoulders and would say "hota hai yaar".I miss those nights when we used to go anywhere, talk anything and at the end of it, could feel good about ourselves, in fact feel proud about ourselves. I miss ppl around me who never had much of a say in my life but somehow unknowingly were such an integral part of my life. Some people stay in the background and their presence is never felt till the background is removed only to show you the black and white reality behind it.

And of course i miss HER presence in my life, an ever so wonderful and a truly out of the world experience with her. I miss those one in a million eyes, one in a billion smile and that genuinely most caring heart. I miss that life with her which has no connections with the planet earth and still exists on this earth.

Today i live in extremes. Am either too happy or too sad. Too enthusiastic or too dull. Small things affect me a lot and big things have no impact on me. I live on the edge and always end up trying to balance myself. Everyday is a new challenge, most of which i don't want to take, most of which makes no difference to me. Everyday is routine and weekend is the only festival. Every minute is of value and every minute spent busy doing something is complete waste. Today friendship is clocked on number of hours spent together and not on quality of time, today love is shown by the paychecks and not by the hugs, today food is ready to eat and is not cooked, today almost everything is modern and yet everything is so outdated and out of place.

Today when i look in the mirror, i realize what i have lost. Beard grown, hair all over the place, fatness starting to grow over large part of body and a face starting to resemble a 40 year old, this is certainly not what i had dreamt of 3 years back when i was leaving the college. Yes 3 years it is and 3 years is all it took to take me into this situation. Thats why rather than saying just 3 years i say 3 big fat long years....... Ladies and gentleman welcome to the jungle i just completed three crazy years in here........

Face Off...

It’s not every day that you see a stranger in the mirror..it’s not often that person in the mirror seems to be full of questions....u know the questions but not the answers...or at least u pretend not to know them.......it’s rare that person in the mirror stares at u as if ur a criminal...and you though not guilty still feel offended, helpless by his stares...and still u don’t have words to tell him the truth....or perhaps u know don’t know the truth urself....it’s that one strange glare that kills you....

so what is it? Where am I going? is this because my altitude and latitude has changed or it’s just a mere coincidence...is it because change in angle of sun rays that has changed the projection.....or it’s just my perception that has changed....or is it just that I am awake after ages and see a completely different world....a world where my logic and sense no longer works....neither does my brain......oh may be its just a case of blocked veins in brain....but then how can I think of all these possibilities......no but if the brain worked then how come I don’t know answers when I was always full of them........so does this mean that questions have changed but wait the person in the mirror is still the same....and he still looks fairly similar to me.....so why is this change........or there is no change and I still feel that there is a change.....and if I do then why do I think so......and am I really thinking or just playing around with myself....if not with myself then may be with person in the mirror....but why am I thinking about some person in the mirror.....there can always be only one person like me.....so why am I feeling bad when he can’t understand me.......or is it because he understands me and that’s why he is staring.....but if he understands me then he must know that I don’t know if there is a change....or maybe he wants me to understand the change......and if he doesn’t understand me...then why doesn’t he understand me...when he did it for good parts of 24 years......

so does this mean there is a change in my life....and if yes then is it just the physical environment or there is a mental adjustment.....or is it just an inertia to change......but if it is inertia then why is it taking so long to change....may be I am not applying the force that is required to travel with a constant speed.....but what is constant.....isn’t it all relative by somebody's law.....or is it an exception to the law....if its physical environment change then when was I so attached to it that its changing my views......and if its mental adjustment then why do I still smile and cry the same way I used to......or it just applies to something between these two.......do we call this confusion state or there's no name to it...coz nobody has still been able to put it in words....but why do I need to put it in words.....isn’t it the same thing that he must be feeling too...

where did I start and where am I heading....is there a start and an end.....or it’s also a journey......or its part of bigger journey....may be both...or their combination.....is it something called 20's uncertainty.....or is it something called loneliness that’s gripping me....but why am I feeling uncertain..lonely....who's always been there for me.....parents and some caring hearts called friends.....but they r still with me then why's this happening to me......is it all about being together physically....then when was the last time I was always with any one of them........or is it time to turn the leaf......or may be start of new chapter or a new story.......

if it is...then why is he staring at me.....doesn't he know that anything that starts has to end.....so that a new thing can start.....so am I ready for a new start....but wait if changes r symbols of start..then I have already......oh no....but if I had then I won’t be writing this.......but u know when I am writing this he is still staring at me.....maybe he knows no matter how much I write I still won’t know why he is staring at me....giving me that mysterious smile.......then why am I writing.......it’s better to go off to sleep and see some better faces in dreams than see a stranger in a mirror screwing the holy hell out of me.........

(Guys it’s a raw write-up …..I haven’t even thought of going back and reading it once more after writing this…so bare with my English , typo’s, grammar and spellings….)