And quite unlike me, a tear rolled down my face not even knowing where and why it is was going this way. Its easy to stop the first drop of tear but once it rolls down the eyes within a flash lot of others go with him like true friends. Today it again happened to me. As usual the teardrop brought a bunch of questions and mostly the helplessness out of me.
A wise man once said (or a wise writer wrote it for movie) "Life is not about how many breaths you take, its about how many moments you lived that took your breath away". I remember writing some time back that such moments are becoming far and few in between. Its indeed true. When i was a kid my mom always told me "don't worry, i am there for you" and i could sleep in peace. Today my mom thinks am grown up and matured so she doesn't explicitly say this and hence i don't explicitly sleep in peace either.
Today i miss that kid. I miss the kid who used to hold his mom's hand and walk around the place with absolutely no fear. I miss the kid who used to run up to dad and hug him for no reason and the dad who used to hug him so tight that he could never feel any insecurity. I miss my younger siblings who used to bug my head for no reason and could still give me sense of honor and respect that very few other people can ever give me.
I miss that one friend who used to sit besides me quietly, just put his hands on my shoulders and would say "hota hai yaar".I miss those nights when we used to go anywhere, talk anything and at the end of it, could feel good about ourselves, in fact feel proud about ourselves. I miss ppl around me who never had much of a say in my life but somehow unknowingly were such an integral part of my life. Some people stay in the background and their presence is never felt till the background is removed only to show you the black and white reality behind it.
And of course i miss HER presence in my life, an ever so wonderful and a truly out of the world experience with her. I miss those one in a million eyes, one in a billion smile and that genuinely most caring heart. I miss that life with her which has no connections with the planet earth and still exists on this earth.
Today i live in extremes. Am either too happy or too sad. Too enthusiastic or too dull. Small things affect me a lot and big things have no impact on me. I live on the edge and always end up trying to balance myself. Everyday is a new challenge, most of which i don't want to take, most of which makes no difference to me. Everyday is routine and weekend is the only festival. Every minute is of value and every minute spent busy doing something is complete waste. Today friendship is clocked on number of hours spent together and not on quality of time, today love is shown by the paychecks and not by the hugs, today food is ready to eat and is not cooked, today almost everything is modern and yet everything is so outdated and out of place.
Today when i look in the mirror, i realize what i have lost. Beard grown, hair all over the place, fatness starting to grow over large part of body and a face starting to resemble a 40 year old, this is certainly not what i had dreamt of 3 years back when i was leaving the college. Yes 3 years it is and 3 years is all it took to take me into this situation. Thats why rather than saying just 3 years i say 3 big fat long years....... Ladies and gentleman welcome to the jungle i just completed three crazy years in here........
